“At some point couple will face something ´third`.”

In systemic couples therapy, there is the concept of triangulation or the “shared third”—a thing, person, or task outside of both partners that plays a regulating role in their relationship.

Examples of ‘the Third’ in Relationships:

• Children, pets, family
• Homeownership, work, money
• Spirituality, hobbies, friends
• Illness, debt
• An affair …

Triangulation in relationships is so common that it often happens unnoticed. The “third” can be something that partners consciously choose, but it can also enter the relationship unconsciously or even unintentionally.

Moreover, the third element can change over time. For example, once a house is built or children grow up and leave home, the couple may need to reorient themselves—a challenge that can feel overwhelming for one or both partners.

You can often recognize the shared third through birthday or Christmas gifts: tools for the garden or home renovation, a voucher for a weekend getaway, or books on shared interests.

Functions of the ´Third´ in a relationsship

• As a source of meaning and purpose: Shared challenges and “projects” such as children, pets, a house, a family business, etc.
• As a form of avoidance or distraction: Escape into work or hobbies, or even an affair to prevent a breakup.
• As a way of working on equality: Negotiating financial matters, dividing responsibilities fairly, or coping with illness to regain a sense of normalcy.

The “Third” and Its Meaning for Individuals

The third element can take on very different—and sometimes opposing—meanings for each partner:

• Motivation, joy, ‘nourishment’
• Conflict, threat
• Refuge, protection from intimacy or conflict
• A way to maintain the illusion of togetherness

Since partners often hold very different positions within this triangle, their motivations for engaging with the third element are highly individual. This leads to an important observation:

“The more united a couple is in their relationship to the ‘third’, the more similar their stance towards it, the more harmoniously their relationship is regulated.”

How Systemic Couples Therapy Can Help

Simply identifying and discussing the third element together can already strengthen a relationship. It creates a meta-perspective, helping couples see the bigger picture and recognize underlying dynamics. This clarifies needs, making co-regulation easier.

Partners can develop alternatives together and find new ways to deal with their own and each other’s needs.

If you have experienced draining or painful triangulation in your relationships, don’t hesitate to seek couples therapy—whether with me or another professional. Therapy can be a valuable opportunity to explore new ways of regulating and revitalizing your relationship.

Because relationships don’t just survive triangulation—they can also use it to grow, evolve, and thrive together.

I would be happy to support you personally.
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