“Then another horse came out. Its rider was given power to take peace from the earth.” (Bible, Rev. 6:4)

In couples therapy, there is a well-known concept called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which describes destructive conflict patterns in relationships. The psychologist and therapist John Gottman suggests that the more frequently these “horsemen” appear in a couple’s conflicts, the closer they are to the end of their relationship.

The apocalyptic horsemen in relationships are:

1. Harsh Criticism: Attacking your partner’s character instead of addressing specific behaviours – e.g., “You always…”
2. Defensiveness & Counterattacks: Rather than trying to understand the other person and taking responsibility, partners justify themselves and strike back.
3. Contempt: Sarcasm, ridicule, disrespect, or mocking the other person.
4. Withdrawal: Avoiding, shutting down, or disengaging from the relationship.
5. Abuse of Power & Dominance: Controlling or overpowering behaviour.

Unlike in the biblical apocalypse, these destructive patterns do not appear in a fixed sequence. Instead, they tend to emerge chaotically, further deepening the conflict. If left unchecked, the likely outcome is either separation or two deeply lonely people remaining in the relationship.

I often use this metaphor of the apocalyptic horsemen to illustrate how damaging these conflict patterns can be. But most couples already feel the pain of these dynamics and long for a different way of relating to one another.

Beyond Conflict: Understanding Needs and Conditioning

That’s why it’s crucial to look beyond the conflict itself—to the needs and emotional conditioning of both partners.

• According to Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), aggression is often a tragic expression of unmet needs. Identifying these underlying needs can open the door to a deeper understanding of oneself and one’s partner.
• In some cases, aggression also stems from learned helplessness, where a person has no tools to engage in a productive conflict. When overwhelmed, they simply shut down or lash out, unable to find a constructive way forward. Understanding the conditioning that led to this helplessness can profoundly deepen a relationship.
• Another common dynamic is a misguided sense of self-protection—where one believes that hurting the other person first will prevent them from feeling hurt themselves. Recognising this destructive cycle and taking responsibility for it can already create significant change.
• Interestingly, the apocalyptic horsemen might also serve a hidden function in the relationship. For example, they might act as a form of protection (as mentioned above) or even as a way to add intensity to a relationship that otherwise feels dull and empty. This brings us back to unmet needs—and the possibility of finding healthier, more loving alternativesto meet them.

Without acknowledging these inner dynamics and working towards alternative ways of relating, the apocalyptic horsemen will continue to have free rein, ultimately damaging the relationship. Simply relying on self-discipline or communication techniques is often not enough.

Do You Recognise These Patterns in Your Relationship?

Have you encountered the apocalyptic horsemen in your own relationship conflicts? How do you deal with them? Would you like to learn a better way of handling them?

If so, consider booking a couples therapy session—either with me or with another professional—while you still have enough strength and trust in your relationship to make meaningful changes.

Because couples therapy can be truly enriching, helping partners to engage with their personal histories in a new way. After all, relationships have the potential to emotionally regulate one another, to provide support, and to encourage personal growth.

I would be happy to support you personally.
Just give me a call or send me an e-mail so that we can speak today or tomorrow about finding an appointment. > Contact